i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Randomize
