I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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