Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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