I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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