I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
You just made me feel so damn special
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
