i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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