Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
