in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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