I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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