the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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