You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
