My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Randomize
