You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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