Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
