Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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