I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
