Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Randomize
