Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
