I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
