I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
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