I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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