i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
