Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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