You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Randomize
