Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I see more hoeing in ur future
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