Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
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