you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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