Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Randomize