I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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