I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
