remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
