Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
