Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Randomize
