I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize