Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
