I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
