so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
