I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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