Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
Randomize
