I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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