My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
