I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
