oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Randomize
