"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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