TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
