barbara walters just said penis...
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
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