Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
