Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
