Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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