smell my finger.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
