Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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