It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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