Three words: puerto rican gang bang
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I need a beard to bite.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
