I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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