It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
