if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Randomize
