best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Randomize
