So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
