I wish my penis had an off switch
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
