If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
