Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
